9 Ways to Love Yourself More

From the time I was a little girl, I think I have have always tried to figure out how to love other people better. Mainly because I was looking for ways to get that love for myself from others. I have always felt separate. I have always wanted others to see and love me for me. What I only recently realized is that the way to love yourself more is by not focusing on others first.

I think a lot of people spend their lives trying to get other people to love them first. But to receive love, you are only able to let in the amount of love that already exists within you. Think about self love as a container, the way you love yourself more is about filling your own container first. When you fill your own container then there's enough left over to pour out on others. And we can only receive love from others at the same level we have given it to ourselves because life will always find balance. When we keep pouring our love out to others first, we leave nothing for ourselves. And while I think everyone has heard that "you should love yourself", I don't think a lot of us don't know what that really looks like.

1. Feel your feelings.

How does one feel your feelings? Well you have to learn to hold enough space for yourself to allow yourself to feel emotions without judgement. The judgement that feelings are good or bad or that you "shouldn't" feel this way. Holding space for yourself looks like, allowing room in your body to fully feel the sensations of anger, pain, heartbreak, joy or whatever physical sensations arrive with compassion for yourself. It's being able to give a nurturing loving internal hug to yourself and just letting whatever you are feeling be the way it is, without trying to change it. Sometimes that means letting yourself scream, or fully ugly crying, or jump up and down. Unfortunately we have let social norms sometimes limit our ability to fully feel our emotions. Just as babies are able to express themselves fully, we still can. Most adults have learned that sobbing because we didn't get the blue cup isn't always the best way to use our energy, but it doesn't stop us from feeling those emotions. We just have learned to suppress or hide them better than small children do. Learning to allow our feelings to exist without judgement and just feeling them without an expectation is usually the best way of allowing them to pass. The key here is not making decision or acting from emotion but to simply feel them.

2. Learn what your values are and prioritize them in your life.

When we aren't operating in what we value most, we are prioritizing what others value. And when we prioritize others values we abandon ourselves. Over time that erodes our own ability to love and show up for ourselves. When we prioritize living our lives within our values, we automatically live in our authentic alignment. Which allows us to more easily show up with love for ourselves. By building our lives to prioritize our values we can make the decisions that fill us up instead of depleting ourselves.

3. Learn your love language.

What is your love language? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, your love language is the way you give and receive love. Usually it is used to help other people know how to make you feel loved. In this case as we are talking about self love. You can use your love language to show love to yourself first. Say you have the love language of physical touch, showing yourself love with this language would be for example, getting a massage or rubbing your own feet. If you have the love language of quality time, try spending some time walking in solitude, or spending time in a place you love. If you have the love language of Acts of Service, hiring a cleaning service to deep clean your house or getting a laundry service do your laundry for you. If your love language is receiving gifts, buying yourself something just because without rationalizing it would be a good start. And the last love language is words of affirmation, spending time daily putting your hand on your heart and telling yourself that you are proud of you and you love you. These are all just some example but spend some time getting curious about your love language and ways to show it to yourself.

4. Prioritize your own needs.

What does that even look like? Well first you have to know yourself and your limitations. Let's say friends ask you out on Friday night after a week from hell and they are giving you crap about not going out with them. If you aren't in self love you will allow yourself to be guilted into going out. When you love yourself you will prioritize your needs by going home and getting the rest you really need. Self love is giving yourself the time and peace you can show up for yourself. Like I said before, you can't pour love from an empty cup.

5. Keep small daily promises to yourself consistently to build self trust.

This might sound silly but making sure you do small things daily to take care of yourself shows you that you can consistently show up for you. Lets say this is making sure you floss your teeth daily, make your bed daily, or drink a gallon of water. These things don't have to be a big undertaking but showing your body that you can consistently take care of you holds great power.

6. Learn to create safety in your body.

When you feel safe in your body you are free to play more and have more fun. Creating safety in your body allows you to show up ways that you might not have in the past. Usually this can involve any of the following: nervous system regulation, breathwork, calming your body, ice plunges, or exercise. By creating safety in your body you can feel your emotions more fully and will be less likely to let another persons actions throw you off course.

7. Find more ways to allow you to have creative outlets or play.

Simply have more fun. Honestly, what is even the point of life if we can't experience joy, love and lose time in something we really enjoy? Play shouldn't stop once we are adults. Loving yourself should include play and laughter and finding things you really enjoy doing. And maybe that's playing board games with friends, or painting, or writing poetry. Finding new creative outlets are critical for increasing the joy and self love in your life. Don't be afraid to try new things, you can try things like pottery, or sculpting, or even trying a new sport or joining a karate class.

8. Make sure you learn to set and keep boundaries.

Setting boundaries creates expectations for ourselves and others in our lives. They are parameters where we are able to contain ourselves and separate ourselves from the others in our lives. Boundaries help us define who we are and what we are willing to allow or not allow in our lives. Holding and maintaining your boundaries builds self love and self trust. If you don't keep your boundaries it erodes your ability to show up for yourself consistently.

9. Be kinder and more compassionate to yourself.

Sometimes in our own inner dialogue, we are meaner to ourselves than we would be to anyone in our lives. If we talked to someone we love the way we sometimes talk to ourselves we would hurt them very much. We would never say to a small child, "you are so stupid" after forgetting something trivial like their water bottle. Learning to be kinder and more compassionate is a life long skill. I would suggest learning to laugh at yourself. We all make mistakes and mess up. Learning to own what you did and make peace with it is so important. Talking to yourself like you would a 5 year old with the level of love and compassion you naturally allow a child, is a great way to speak to yourself.

As you journey to find more ways to love yourself remember that you are the person you spend the most time with. You are the only person that will be with you from your first day to your last day. "Love your neighbor as yourself" comes with the expectation to love ourselves first, because we can only love others at the level we love ourselves.

Michelle