My motivation for building Grow with MJC is to help more parents/adults to become the Trusted Grown-ups for the children who mean the most to them. I want each child to experience what it is like for all parts of themselves to be seen, heard and validated. Its not about fixing, or needing something to be different, but empowering the child to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are. To show them that they can feel hard things, experience hard things, and that there is someone that will be there with them so they can learn the tools to navigate life. To feel and experience things all the way through, to know that what they are doing and feeling is human, normal, and to be lovingly accepted on the other side.
So what's the difference between being a good parent and a Trusted Grown-up? Well, I believe if you are even reading this article you are already a good parent. You try your best to be there, you feed, clothe and provide the best you can for your kid/s on a daily basis. So what makes a trusted grown-up?
A Trusted Grown-up is someone that a child (or anyone) can reliably expect to be emotionally, mentally and physically safe with.
The Trusted Grown-up gets curious and encourages the child to be their full selves, express their needs and holds space without judgement for their full range of emotions.
The Trusted Grown-up acknowledges, accepts and appreciates the child for who they are, not just what they hope they will be.
The Trusted Grown-up holds a safe space for vulnerability, courage, and resilience to be cultivated within a child.
The Trusted Grown-up trusts and encourages the child's innate ability to heal, navigate, feel hard things and explore the world to make their own choices.
When A Trusted Grown-up fails and they break the trust, they hold themselves accountable, take ownership and then reconnect and repair with the child.
The Trusted Grown-up acknowledges, gives grace to and accepts the full humanity of both themselves and the child.
The Trusted Grown-up cultivates and holds mutual respect and boundaries for both themselves and child.
The Trusted Grown-up sees the child as their own individual person, who's needs, desires and choices are different from the Trusted Grown-up, and supports the child's exploration and unique inherit design.
Sometimes we can be good parents, but it doesn't mean your child feels like they can trust you will all of who they are. Kids see more than you know, hear and understand more than you realize. They interpret what you don't say. If you say they are a "good" boy/girl they understand there is a time when therefore they are a "bad" boy/girl. They can infer things, if you make fun of people of a certain class, weight, or race they will understand that those things are bad and need to be rejected. Belief systems are formed by what they are exposed to and around, even things that are not specifically stated. Kids are smart and adaptive, they do whatever they can to get love and acceptance of the adults around them because it is essential for their survival. They WANT to please their parents. They will do whatever they have to do feel love and accepted even at the expense of their own wellbeing. Its genetically wired in all of us as a survival trait. Unless the parent shows their child that they can be trusted and interested with all their parts, the child will shut those rejected parts off. Their fears, big emotions, shame, traumas or even differences in opinions and desires will all be hidden from your awareness (as the parent). When judgement, being dismissive, gossip, annoyance, making fun of people or the kids themselves happens, children will make sure to start hiding pieces of themselves.
Through all the learning, growth and change in my own personal life I have realized my greatest desire and life goal is to be a Trusted Grown-up for myself, my children and my closest relationships. I want to share my path, how I got here, and what I am learning. I have been able to grow and have had the courage to face myself and my own ugliness in that process. I know I have a unique voice and perspective. I believe part of why I am here in this lifetime is to share this unique perspective. I have learned (and will always continue to learn) to be my own Trusted Grown-up for my own inner child. My work will always start there first. There is so much power in being witnessed by a safe loving presence.
There are 2 different experiences, an external experience where you live, work, who you talk to and hang out with; this is the material world we all live in. Everyone also has an internal experience, what happens in your body (physical sensations), your thoughts and your emotions. Those all happen to create your internal experience. Have you ever put a smile on your face and lied to someone about how you really felt? We all have. We live in a world where the surface can look "perfect" and people will still commit suicide. The only person that can experience YOUR internal world is YOU, but it can be witnessed, loved and validated. It is the same for your child. They have their own internal world/experience that you can't control and you don't truly have access to unless they share it with you.
Feelings need to be felt, seen, heard and validated, there is nothing to fix. I believe that kids are naturally resilient and will work through big feelings if given the time, space and understanding to get curious. They simply don't understand what they are feeling and what to do with the thoughts that come up for them. They don't know that everyone feels things like this sometimes and its part of life. They need to learn to be with the sensations and emotions to understand the message its bringing. What we don't want is for kids to think temporary emotions are part of their identity. They have to be taught to understand their internal world just like the external one. Feelings are temporary, thoughts are a mental understanding of our internal process of emotions and physical sensations and both will pass. They are temporary, just like being hungry or having to go to the bathroom. They are there because our bodies are always speaking to us, kids just don't know what any of it means. They don't understand that the physical sensations, emotions and thoughts are part of the human experience and that everyone has them. They don't know what things mean or what to expect. Everything is new and needs to be explained and normalized. And those needs to be met with understanding and helping them build the resilience to feel hard things all the way through.
What does this have to do with being a trusted grown up? Well, for me I want to be the parent that my kids can trust all of themselves with. I want them to feel seen, heard and validated. I want my kids to feel like they can be completely themselves with me. I want them to grow up and have the courage to disagree with me. I want them to be able to give me feedback so I can love them better. So they get their needs met. I want them to understand things about emotions and their bodies it took me 35 or more years to learn.
That's why I wrote The Anger Inside, so I could explain to my kids the things about Anger that I learned from reading books, going to therapy and trying to understand my emotions. I wanted to create a container for Trusted Grown-ups to be able to talk to kids and help them understand what they were feeling and why. I want to help good parents become their kids Trusted Grown-up. Where your kid can be themselves with you. Giving you the tools where you can join them on their level to give them an understanding of what's going on inside them. Developing easy ways to talk to your kids to help them feel seen, heard and validated.
Trusted Grown-ups get it wrong all the time. The trust is built with consistency and the ability to reconnect and repair. That's done with honest conversations and holding space for the experience of each person. As a Trusted Grown-up you want to create a beautiful blue print for what your kid can expect in healthy adult relationships. You want them to grow up and find Trusted Grown-ups to have relationships with. People who see and honor all of who they are and treat them with respect, validation and love. Where they can ask for what they need and receive it the majority of the time. The goal is that they will surround themselves with relationships that consist of Trusted Grown-ups. It starts with us teaching them how they should be treated and how they should treat others. Being a Trusted Grown-up is not just us feeling like because our kids grew up and are successful that we are good parents or not, but that we care about their experience as they try to navigate and learn about life.
I hope you join me on this journey from being a good parent to becoming your kids Trusted Grown-up.
Love,
Michelle
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