Feel the Hard Feelings

Last night I had an interview about my books on Instagram, I was very excited to be able to talk about my books and my passion for kids emotional health.

I had a hard time falling asleep after the interview, once that engine gets going its hard to get back to calm.

Excitement is a different awareness that I want to pay more attention to how it shows up in my body, but I am drifting into another topic.

I finally feel asleep, but at about 4am in the morning, I woke up with these words ringing in my head:

"Our kids need to know they can feel hard feelings and still be loveable and alive on the other side."

As an adult, who being raised in the 80's, I was not given full permission to "feel my feelings", I find this very intriguing.

I won't speak for anyone else's experience, but how many times do you retreat to being alone when you are having big feelings? The fear of being made fun of for your feelings makes you unwilling to allow anyone to see you.

How often do you hear the phrase, "well I don't want to be a burden," or someone tries to stop crying because they feel embarrassed?

How often do we repress, ignore, hide or invalidate our own feelings?

I used to hate crying, and sometimes still have a hard time expressing my tears for fear of being made fun of. That I am being "too emotional" or "too sensitive."

This internalized shame at my own emotions made me feel like there is something wrong with me.

The reality is that emotions are the one unifying physical experience we all have as humans and mammals on this planet. Our internal sensations are the interface between the outside world and our inner world.

Our emotions and physical sensations are how we experience the world around us and how we know how we feel about the world around us.

Now as a more balanced adult after years of therapy, who is relearning a lot of old patterns, my most close and intimate relationships are the ones where I can cry and be held or witnessed in my pain.

The relationships that I can be fully seen and heard in my experience with compassion and love.

So, as I see my children experience pain, I want them to feel it fully. I cannot change their internal world and it is not my job to save them from pain either.

My job is to teach them that they can feel it and be okay on the other side of big feelings. I want them to know I am here for them as a safe place to land as they move through it.

I want them to know that I can't change what they are going through, but that I am going to hold them as they get through it, and even if it feels scary that they won't die and they will be ok.

And feeling your emotions will not kill you. Seriously.

Emotional pain as been proven to cause the same reactions as physical pain in studies.

Being there as my children experience intense physical sensations that can feel like they are dying (tight chest, shortness of breath, etc.) helps them to co-regulate to my calmness. I want them to know they will be okay on the other side, that they can feel hard feelings.

My kids need to know their "hard" emotions don't make them less loveable and they will be okay on the other side.

I need to show up over and over as I hold space for them and their experience. To show them that all of them is safe with me.

So they can glean the wisdom big emotions bring us about the experiences we want to have in our lives. And hopefully so they are inspired to be catalysts for change in this world.

I want them to know that their experience is valid, and in their future relationships they know that their inner world is held in the utmost regard.

The biggest lynch pin in all this, is if I don't honor and hold space for my own emotions, then I can't model it.

If I don't hold my emotions as valid, and allow my own emotions to be held by other adults (not my children) then I can't do the same for my kids.

If I repress, shut down, ignore or invalidate my own emotions, then I do not have the nervous system capacity to feel my own pain and my own experience.

If I don't have the expanded nervous system to feel my own feelings then I don't have space for my kids pain.

Has your child ever cried, you have held space but after a few minutes the intensity of them not stopping builds up? You find yourself saying, "ok that's enough."

That's a sign that you don't have enough nervous system capacity in totality or just in that moment.

And that's okay too. For me holding space without trying to change someone's experience is a skill I am working on daily.

Contrary to popular belief the tears, pain and crying do end on their own. They naturally wind down like a storm.

Storms don't last forever and neither do tears and pain. Yes sometimes we have rainy and stormy seasons, but change is always present.

Trust in your own capacity. Trust in your child's natural capacity to feel their feelings. Allow it as much as you possibly can to help them build the muscle of their own resilience.

In my opinion, feeling your big feelings and letting it run its course while being witnessed either by yourself or another person and then waking up the next day knowing you are lighter, alive and you didn't die is one of the most empowering experiences of my life.

When I went INTO the storm instead of trying to avoid it.

I am doing my best to teach my kids that they can go into the storm and be alive and loved on the other side of it.

Sending love,

Michelle