The Fear Inside

Michelle Clayton
Jun 7, 2023
3 min read

When my son was about 2 years old we were sitting on the couch and out of no where his face dropped and you could physically see his body go into terror.

I had no idea why. I asked him what was going on and he pointed to a corner of the room (nothing that I could physically see was there).

He was shaking and visibly was terrified.

He was crawling and scrambling up and down my body searching for safety.

To this day I still don't know what frightened him that way, but that's not the point of this story.

The point is that he was looking to me to find safety.

Fear had overtaken his little body and he was helpless and couldn't find his way to feel any kind of normalcy or safety.

I held him and did my best to comfort him but back then I didn't have to tools and resources to help him.

I knew that we weren't in any danger. We were simply sitting on the couch and my daughter was playing on the floor, my son in my lap. Nothing was happening in my awareness.

I didn't see whatever it was he was afraid of, and it didn't make any sense to me. He was looking to me and I was trying to comfort him but truly didn't know what to do but be there.

I knew I was safe, but it didn't mean anything until HE knew he was safe. I needed to help him find safe in HIS body.

At that point in my journey, I didn't know that safety was a felt sense in your body.

That it is an internal sensation and generated within each person until a few years ago.

Fear is a necessary part of life. Danger is real and we need our "Spidey sense" to let us know when something is off.

A lot of us would be unalive if this fear awareness didn't tell us to look up or stop at just the right moment!

What I didn't know until recently is that there is a process to go from a state of fear and consciously bring ourselves back into a sense of safety in our physical body.

As a parent I have told my kids plenty of times, "oh you are fine." "nothing is wrong." " there is nothing to be afraid of you are just being silly."

Even reading that makes me cringe because over and over I have asked my kids to override their own internal compass. And usually it was because my lack of knowledge or inconvenience.

Even if it didn't make sense to me at the time, valid does not have to equal rational.

That's one of the reasons I wrote The Fear Inside, as I learned I wanted to teach my kids what I didn't know growing up.

I wanted to teach my kid to trust their body, their feelings and their senses. I wanted them to understand why we become afraid and its purpose in our bodies.

If their body is saying something is making them afraid well, its valid. It is my job to help them navigate the difference between danger and safety.

Once they can understand that there is no danger (also note here, if you child is afraid around a person, please trust their instincts. I am referring to physical danger here) then you can help them by making a Finding Safe Plan.

This is a process that takes effort and awareness. I go through the very introduction in the link above, but it is teaching them orienting basics and grounding in the present moment.

Also help your child find resources that help them to feel safe and calm. For example, a favorite song, a stuffy, or being held by you or another Trusted Grown-up™.

Life will continue to happen. Danger is real. Fear is necessary.