Why is Self Care Necessary to be a Better Parent?

Yes yes I have heard it 1000 times, as a mom, you should prioritize self care. Ok cool story bro.

Why is self care necessary to be a better parent? Well, self care is the only way to fill your own cup.

Why is it important to fill your own cup? If you don't fill your own cup, you will probably end up parenting in overwhelmed, impatient, frustrated, angry and/or unhealthy ways.

Sometimes that means we are doing our best AND its still doesn't mean we are showing up for our kids in the ways they need us to.

There is a certain amount of failing as a parent that WILL happen. The thing is, if we want to show up for our kids the majority of the time in healthy ways, self care is an absolute necessity.

As parents we need to be the lighthouse in a storm. Kids cannot regulate themselves yet.

Self soothing isn't a thing for them, they grow into nervous system regulation much later than we realized (5-10ish). That is if they are getting good regulation skills from a Trusted Grown-up™.

Self abandonment is a coping mechanism, which could show up in the nervous system as freeze or fawn.

As parents, being the safe space for kids to be able to go to and express the full range of emotions while receiving nervous system regulation, boundaries and love is the goal.

If we don't do some healing work and prioritize taking care of our own nervous system we cannot show up for our kids the way they really need us to.

Today, I got a call from the school at about 1pm, I knew something had happened. The nurse was calling me to tell me my youngest had fallen on the play ground and hurt his arm.

Apparently he had been ok but in hearing my voice, his little voice broke apart, huge tears and crying words came through the phone. "Baby do you want me to come get you?" A huge relieved "YES" pulled at my heart through the phone.

After briefly reconnecting with the nurse, she also agreed that it would be best for me to come get him and take him for x-rays. I headed to the school. After calling to make sure my daughter would be ready to go too, I called my husband. He agreed with my plan and I was off to grab both kids and head to the walk-in.

Through all my learning I had been getting present and regulated all the way too the school. I knew I needed to be his safe place. I walked in and immediate tears and "MAMA!!" greeted me.

After giving him a hug I knelt down and asked what happened. Tears and babble was all I got, I said " Oh my baby, ok bud, mommy can't understand you." So I leaned in and pressed my forehead to his and we breathed together.

This is something I try to do often when he is upset. After inspecting the arm and getting the story of the monkey bar incident, we were off to the walk-in.

On our way there, there was a few more bouts of tears. I reminded him we were going to take a picture of his arm so the doctor could tell us what was going on. And I said well you will either get a cast or we will just ice and rest it at home. And either way is ok!

We talked about the color cast he would pick out if it was broken, and we talked about making sure to let his body rest and heal if he didn't need one.

I told him that being hurt is hard sometimes and it definitely doesn't feel good, but accidents happen and its just simply part of life. I said I was so grateful we had doctors to go to to help us figure out what to do next.

Soon he was laughing and back to himself and after an exam and x-ray, we have to monitor him for 2-3 days and bring him back in for another x-ray if it persists. Apparently it can take 2-3 days for a fracture to show up on an x-ray, who knew?

Now I share all that to say this. If I hadn't been doing my own healing work and learning how to regulate myself and be present I would NOT have showed up the way I did today.

Even 6 months ago, I don't know if that was possible.

I would have been freaking out the whole way to the school, I would have been amped up and protective instead of showing up for him to have his experience.

I would have snapped at my daughter who was trying to help but I just wouldn't have been able to manage both of them. I am thankful that I have been doing this work to show up differently, but let me tell you it was still hard as hell.

When I got home, I crashed.

I needed to withdraw and mentally and emotionally recoup.

So, for full transparency, I zoned out on TikTok and ordered pizza on a rainy Friday night. Now after about an hour and a half of just chilling with my kids on the bed I am here writing this blog post.

Without self care and self prioritizing we have no time and space to fill our own cup.

If we don't fill our own cup we can't heal anything.

If we don't unlearn, relearn, and heal we cannot show up for our kids the way they need us to.

They need us to be self regulated so they can be self regulated.

They can't model what they don't experience. They cant regulate their own nervous system yet.

They need us. Not to just wipe butts and clean up messes.

They need us to help contain them, to give them safety, love and boundaries. And here is the hardest thing I have learned.

Until I AM safe in my own body I am unable to create that safety consistently for my kids.

When I am triggered, when I am emotional, I can't consistently regulate myself or ask for what I need to regulate myself yet. But I am working on it.

When I don't have a process for first regaining my own energy, grounding myself and settling the overwhelm I am going to lash out.

I will show up in ways that I later will feel guilty and shameful about.

I will scream or be mean or just tell them to knock it off.

This is why the basics of getting quality sleep and eating well is crucial in addition to emotional and nervous system regulation.

IT TAKES SO MUCH WORK to heal and regulate and THEN show up in the hardest moments for my kids.

And when I fail, and I will fail, learning to own it and repair and reconnect with my kids. It is a skill I am still learning.

So this is me sharing of where I am why I am learning to prioritize things like therapy, nervous system work, exercise, alone time, quality eating, quality sleep, and leaning into fun and pleasure for myself.

Why is self care necessary to be a better parent?

Because raising kids is hard and life can be full of challenges and unexpected events.

You are where you are and you are doing the best you can right now.

As Maya Angelou says "do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

Sending you love,

Michelle